Today is when we earn 30% more than our male peers and say something assertive or get angry without anyone assuming you’re on your period, right?
And we can have a talk show where the overwhelming majority of the panelists are women but no-one gets upset because the guys are just lucky to be up there, amirite?? And those men are all either very attractive or very frumpy because, ya know, it’s difficult for me to pay attention to ugly people, but hard for me to take attractive people seriously. Let the frumpfest talk while the camera stays on the Adonis!
And I get to interpret that attractive guy in the office who wears those alluring button-downs and walks around in a tailored vest like he owns the place as a tease because—hel-lo!—he’s asking for it but doesn’t want it?! What does your girlfriend think about you going around, turning heads like that, sweetcheeks? And how am I supposed to take you seriously when you’re wearing such a cute little tie?
And I get to interrupt my male colleagues to say exactly what they said but—ya know—lend some gravity to it and be more assertive while receiving credit for his idea? (Like anyone can listen to anything said in that crazy baritone of his, anyway.)
And I get to comment on guy friends’ beer bellies and ill-fitting, cheap clothes—but it’s all in good fun!? (But seriously—take some pride in yourself, man. People judge you by your appearance. Hey—it’s not me—it’s society.)
And we’ll turn science around and say that men’s brains are wired for primitive activities like hunting (irrelevant in today’s world) and are only supposed to live brief lives which usually ended violently, thus outliving their usefulness by age 30 when their physiques take a big downturn. These are just the facts, bro. I mean, how can man ever be powerful if his biggest weakness is right there, dangling from his crotch? One little tap and he’s down! No tolerance for pain, those men. Oh, biology! (I bet they’ll get really angry about this one—they’re slaves to that testosterone coursing around their bodies.)
And we get to have a senate comprised of 83% ladies who
wastespend their time polling each-other about whether Viagra should be covered by insurance (but what does that get us? A bunch of old guys slutting around? EW!) While we’re at it, let’s cut testicular exams. All guys do is fondle their own balls, anyway, right?? What a waste of tax-payer dollars.
And there a plethora of movies where the slacker girl gets the hot guy? He’s smart and sexy and has a high-powered job but still finds time to volunteer and shit; she lounges around in stained tee-shirts with her slob roommates and plays video games and works part-time at a Dunkin Donuts… but—for some unknown reason—they like each-other and their physical and personality differences are never questioned.
And women’s sporting events are well-attended and highly-funded? Cheerleaders are bearded men with immaculate hair in fitted tees dancing for our pleasure and excitement? But of course the fellas have their own league! And they are all very talented. *snerk*
A note to my fellow ladies: just be sure to enjoy all these benefits before midnight!